Due to a Domestic Violence situation, her name will not be used. Thank you for your understanding.

Life has always been a battle with anger and isolation. As a child, I couldn't control the rage I felt, which strained my relationship with my parents. In elementary school, I felt invisible, overshadowed by my sister. By middle school, I was severely bullied, leading to my first suicide attempt and a stay in a mental hospital, which left deep scars. Therapy failed me, and medications numbed me to life. Desperate to feel, I turned to drugs and alcohol.

High school brought even darker days. After months of sexual assault in a place meant to be safe, school, I tried to end my life again. I spiraled into addiction, following the path of my biological father. I failed classes, numbed myself with substances, and lost every spark of who I was. Abusive relationships compounded my pain, and I burned bridges with family and friends. I avoided opportunities, paralyzed by fear of failure and the belief I wasn’t worthy of success. Comfort in self-destruction was easier than change.

After a DUI and court-mandated rehab, I graduated but repeatedly sabotaged my progress. Relapses and fear of change kept me stuck. Finally, I moved to Georgia, leaving my old life in Nevada behind, hoping for a fresh start. Instead, I entered a violent, controlling relationship that left me even more isolated and trapped, with no clear way out.

I eventually fled the abusive relationship with the help of a few connections and found refuge at a domestic violence shelter. They provided the resources I needed, but I’ve done the hard work to rebuild my life. For the first time, I feel motivated and dedicated to creating a better future for myself. I’m not just surviving anymore, I’m alive.

I’m determined to hold onto this feeling and embrace success rather than running from it. Programs like BE YOU could be life-changing, helping me uncover the roots of my struggles, overcome my fear of success, and finally feel deserving of a better life. It would provide the tools, goals, and connections I need, especially as I navigate life in Utah. Most importantly, it would give me my power back and help me rediscover who I truly am. This is why I am looking for assistance to go to the training and asking for help.

I am a 2nd generation born and raised in a local Utah polygamist group called ‘The Order’. I am the oldest of my mom’s children; she had 5 girls. My dad has about 78 kids from 11 or 12 different wives. Life in the order meant I was told where I would live, work and who my friends could be. I wasn’t allowed to have friends from school, just order friends. I was taught that the most important thing as a girl is to have children and please the one above me. (this was either my father and later my husband and other leaders) Growing up in this lifestyle was all I knew.

When I hit my teen years and started to have crushes on some of the boys my age, I was told those feelings were bad, that I need to save those feelings for my husband when I got married. It was a very high requirement that my first kiss be on my wedding day, during the ceremony. When I was 15, I was pulled out of middle school after 8th grade and was being pressured to get married to a much older man; I would have been his 5th wife. I resisted and avoided that as long as I could but when I was 17, I was married as a 3rd wife to a different older man; he eventually had 4 wives. About 2 months into this marriage arrangement, the ‘Husband’ said to me “Are you pregnant yet, I’ve been with you enough”, to which I was not. Having a baby every year was the most important thing I could accomplish in this type of lifestyle. As the weeks, months and years rolled on and I was not fulfilling my duty to provide a baby, I was told that I was less than, I was told that God didn’t love me because he was not blessing me with a child. I started to lose the respect from the other sister-wives, the husband and many others in the Order. Things were said to me that I must not be obedient to what I was told to do, otherwise I’d be able to get pregnant. I was told that I must be doing something that the ‘one above me’ doesn’t know about and this was God’s way to let them know that I needed to be reprimanded in some way.

While living there I wanted a child more than anything, so I tried my best to ‘please the one above me’ and I tried to be the perfect obedient wife. But the mental abuse and some physical abuse kept happening to me. I had thought about leaving but ending that marriage would also end ALL relationships I had. Relationships with my 4 younger sisters, my mom, my cousins who were my closest friends. I would lose all of that if I chose to leave the husband and the order. I was also told throughout my life that if anyone leaves the order, they will go to hell; that God would not offer his protection in the ‘real world’, that I would end up homeless in the streets and on drugs. Eventually, I decided that I was already living in a life that was Hell and I escaped. I lost all of those relationships, friends and family that I cherished. I learned that the real world is big and scary but it’s also very kind and loving. I’ve made new relationships, I eventually had 2 sons that I love and I’m still learning and growing in the real world.

I felt desperate for results in every category of my life. Nothing about my current patterns was working, leaving me feeling defeated, depressed, and overwhelmed with crippling anxiety.

My personal aspirations, my relationship with my partner, my attentiveness to my family and friends, my confidence, and every little thing in between were all suffering. I was in a very dark place and found myself blaming everything outside of my control for the results I was getting.

I have struggled immensely with self-worth and self-love and have always been extremely hard on myself. Because of that, it was difficult for me to see my choices and results from a different perspective. I was living on autopilot.

For so long, I carried the belief that things had to be done a certain way, in a certain order, and on a certain timeline, or they wouldn't be done “right.” I allowed my perfectionism and OCD tendencies to dictate my happiness. I wasted so much time stuck in the cycle of thinking about doing something, not following through, procrastinating, and then living with the regret, guilt, and resentment that followed.

What I really needed was accountability and the courage to take action.

I wanted to live authentically. I had begged the universe for an opportunity like this, yet when it was presented to me, I felt undeserving, even though deep down I knew it was one of the greatest blessings I could have ever asked for.

At this point in my life I am very stuck and confused. I am a very healthy individual; meaning that I eat healthy and exercise regularly. However, after being diagnosed with cancer almost 2 years ago (May 26th, 2022), I still feel like I can’t accomplish any goals or tasks that I would’ve been able to reach before my diagnosis. I feel like I am not able to make confident decisions or protect my loved ones because my body ultimately failed me. This has also been a major financial burden. I haven’t been able to express myself and I feel like I can’t connect with others. I’ve been given all of answers to live my best life and I’m not living up to my expectations. I know deep down that I am here to inspire the world or else I would not be here today. I know I am capable of not snoozing my alarm, choosing to live and stepping into my own power but the signs are not coming to me.